Finding Myself Again: An Honest Journey Through Postpartum Depression

I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. I had been feeling painful cramps for weeks and, at first, I thought it might be pelvic inflammatory disease (PID). I was so worried. When I went to the doctor, the nurse asked me to take a pregnancy test. From a distance, I overheard her say, “Oh shit, she’s pregnant.” For a moment, I didn’t think it could be me she was talking about. My husband and I had been careful, we wanted at least two years together before having a child. But when the nurse walked back into the room with a smile, I couldn’t help but smile too. I was going to finally be a mother.

Unfortunately, life around that time was extremely messy. My husband had to step away from his position due to his ex-wife’s evil smear campaign, and we packed our bags and moved to New York with my cat in tow as he was offered a position in real estate. It was really good money, but he hated it. He was used to being his own boss. It was a major setback for us, but what is life without its difficulties?

My pregnancy wasn’t easy either. I struggled with Hyperemesis Gravidarum and stayed underweight for most of those months. At one point, I was even diagnosed with hypothyroidism, and later, my husband gave me COVID. I carried so much worry, convinced that my fragile state was harming the baby. I knew she could feel my anxiety too. But when she finally arrived, it was the best day of my life. In that moment, nothing else mattered. She was healthy and more perfect than I ever imagined. The crazy thing is no one really prepares you for what’s to come…

Beyond the Baby Blues: Understanding Postpartum Depression

Postpartum depression is more than just the baby blues. While it’s normal to feel down and overwhelmed in the first couple of weeks after birth, postpartum depression tends to linger waaay beyond that and often feels much heavier. It can begin anytime in the first year after delivery and start to affect how you function day to day and how connected you feel to yourself and your baby.

It’s a whole-person experience! All of the shifts in hormones after birth, nutrient depletion from pregnancy and breastfeeding, lack of restorative sleep, and changes in body image all play a role. Add to this the emotional weight of identity changes, relationship pressures, or past trauma, and the load can feel soooo unbearable. That’s why postpartum depression isn’t just a mental struggle, it’s also physical, emotional, and situational all at once. Whew.

The symptoms can show up in many ways. You may notice persistent sadness, irritability, guilt, or numbness depending on your terrain or difficulty bonding with your baby (alhamdulillah that didn’t happen with me) so It doesn’t happen with every new mother who suffer from PPD, but it can happen. It’s very scary. That’s why having a support system during all of this is so crucial. Women can also lose interest in things they once enjoyed or feel overwhelming fatigue that a nap just can’t fix.

Some mothers even experience intrusive thoughts that feel unsettling, but don’t reflect their true intentions. My heartfelt dua is that you, dear reader, never have to go through this, ameen. Recognizing these signs is the first step to getting support, because with the right care, you can heal and feel like yourself again.

The Link Between Sleep and Mood

When I first got pregnant, so many moms told me, “Enjoy your sleep now, you’ll never sleep the same again!” And boy, were they right. I had always been an early-to-bed, early-to-rise kind of person, but newborn life quickly turned that upside down. Sleep deprivation is one of the most powerful drivers of postpartum depression. Going weeks without a full night’s rest doesn’t just exhaust you, it alters brain chemistry. Serotonin and dopamine drop, cortisol stays high, and suddenly you’re irritable, anxious, heavy, and struggling to regulate emotions. At my lowest, even dreams blurred into reality.Lack of sleep also intensifies intrusive thoughts and makes it harder to regulate emotions. And when you’re running on empty long enough, at night you might even start seeing things that aren’t really there. It’s unsettling and pretty freaky.

The first few months were especially brutal because I couldn’t produce enough breast milk. I had to put my daughter on formula until my supply built up, and she suffered terribly with colicky pain and constipation. It was absolute hell watching her struggle, and it meant even less sleep for me. My milk finally came in and I was so relieved to be able to toss the formula. But by then I was already running on empty. Small challenges, like making breakfast or folding laundry, felt extremely overwhelming when I was sleep-deprived. I honestly felt bad whenever my step-kids would come over, because more often than not they ended up heating up their favorite freezer meals or we’d order out. But since they only came on the weekends at that time, they were just happy to spend time with us and their new baby sister. They didn’t care so much about “healthy meals” I mean they were kids, after all.

And then there was the famous advice every new mom hears: “Just sleep when the baby sleeps.” Honestly, that never worked for me. When my baby finally went down, that was my only window to catch up on my prayers, dishes, do some laundry, or just sit in silence and breathe. My mind was too wired to nap on command, and truthfully, I’ve never been much of a napper even before pregnancy.

Postpartum Body Image Struggles

For me, one of the hardest parts of postpartum wasn’t just the lack of sleep which was number one for me, it was looking in the mirror and not recognizing myself. I had always been active, fit and naturally small, so seeing my body change so drastically was a shock. I didn’t feel like “me” anymore, and that loss of identity fed into the depression I was already feeling. I didn’t feel like “me” anymore, and that loss of identity fed into the depression I was already feeling. On top of that, I heard comments about my body… things like reminders of how I used to look or suggestions that I’d “bounce back” eventually. Even though they might have been said casually, those words landed heavily. When you’re already raw and vulnerable, they echo the insecurities you’re battling inside.

Postpartum bodies are powerful, they’ve created, carried, and nourished new life. But in a world that celebrates “snapping back,” it’s easy to feel like you’re failing if you don’t return to your old self quickly. That constant comparison can make postpartum depression even heavier. It wasn’t until my daughter turned one that I finally gathered the motivation to shed the weight. Once I set my mind to it, I was so determined that the weight came off quickly. I’ve always been the kind of person who, when I truly want something, I push hard to make it happen. Part of it was for me, to feel like myself again, but I’ll be honest, part of it was also because I wanted to look sexy for my husband, just being honest here.

Even though I shed the weight quickly, I wouldn’t recommend that path for everyone, it can be intense and not always sustainable especially if you don’t have a high-drive or naturally disciplined personality. Instead of focusing on the number on the scale, remind yourself of what your body had just done, like you just grown and fed a human being. That’s truly remarkable! Celebrate small wins, like taking a short walk or making a nourishing meal. Over time, those small acts of self-compassion will help you reconnect with your body in a healthier way.

Things I Wish I Knew During My First Pregnancy

Looking back, I wish I had understood just how much postpartum recovery requires support on every level, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually too. Physically, I learned that nourishing foods make such a difference. Restorative yoga videos, stretching, and stroller walks helped me feel alive again and reminded my body how to circulate and heal. Unfortunately, rest is essential, yet nearly impossible for mothers to actually get. Eventually, I found my own way through co-sleeping and allowing my daughter to nurse through the night. It was the only method that gave me longer stretches of sleep, and over time it actually deepened the bond between us. Sleeping apart from her never felt natural to me, but I also knew it had to be done as safely as possible to prevent any risk of suffocation.

Emotionally, I wish I had family close by for support and help. That was a big one for me. Having relatives around might have opened up space for me to release what I was holding in instead of carrying it alone. Therapy and counseling can be powerful, but at the time I dismissed them, thinking they would been a waste of time. The idea of journaling never stuck with me either, I’d start and abandon it after a few days. What I really loved wasn’t journaling, it was writing stories. I took a break from my holistic health studies when I became pregnant so I wouldn’t overwhelm myself, and instead I started writing again, looking back at the novels and scripts I had left unfinished.

Writing has always been therapeutic for me, a way to process emotions and trauma, while also doing something I genuinely enjoy. Would I ever publish my stories? Who knows, probably never. But that isn’t the point. The point is that I’m a creative at heart, and tapping into that part of myself has always been the best medicine. Being a stay-at-home mom gave me that time, and for that I was grateful. I often think about the women who don’t have that option, who have to go back to work right after having a baby even when their hearts aren’t ready, and I really feel for them.

Grounding Myself Beyond the Physical

Spiritually, grounding myself became essential. For me, that meant strengthening my deen, making dua, reading Qur’an, and finding quiet moments of reflection in prayer. Those simple practices reminded me that I wasn’t alone in what I was going through and gave me strength when I felt weak. Even small rituals, like snuggling in the hammock with a good movie, sitting in the backyard to soak in the gorgeous sunsets, or making a warm cup of tea, became ways of reclaiming my body and reminding myself that I was still a whole person, not just a mother.

I didn’t take herbs while pregnant or breastfeeding except for raspberry leaf tea, though I’ve since learned there are more supportive options for PPD that some women safely use. But the truth is, figuring the right herb should require a full whole-person assessment. True holistic medicine is not about handing out a list of herbs which is not holistic, it’s about looking at the individual’s body, emotions, spirit, and circumstances together to find the most aligned support. For me, leaning on my faith and those gentle acts of self-care gave me the grounding I needed to make it through, but I have acknowledge that my experience with PPD was easier than most.

Wrapping Up

The truth is, postpartum isn’t a one-size-fits-all journey. Sometimes rest doesn’t look like sleep, it looks like a hot shower, a walk outside, or even just breathing for five minutes without interruption. If you’re in that season, know that you’re not broken Healing doesn’t come from following every piece of advice perfectly, it comes from finding what works for you, in your body, in your life.

Healing is not linear, some days will be harder than others. What matters most is remembering that both your body and mind need replenishment, not pressure. Postpartum depression is one of those topics many mothers quietly live with but rarely speak about. After giving birth, the world expects joy, but sometimes what comes instead is exhaustion, guilt, sadness, or even numbness. My hope in sharing both my story and my perspective as a holistic health practitioner is to remind you that you’re not alone, and that your experience is valid.