Finding Myself Again: An Honest Journey Through Postpartum Depression

I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. I had been feeling painful cramps for days and, at first, I thought it might have been pelvic inflammatory disease (PID). My mind always seems to jump to the worst-case scenario, so I was really worried. When I went to the doctor, the nurse asked me to take a pregnancy test. From a distance, I overheard the nurse say, “Oh shit, she’s pregnant!” I think it slipped out because she wasn’t expecting it either, my symptoms didn’t match a typical pregnancy. For a moment, I didn’t think it could be me she was talking about, maybe she was talking about a different patient. My husband and I thought we were being careful. We wanted at least two years to travel the world and grow closer before having a child. But when the nurse walked back into the room with a smile, I couldn’t help but smile too. I was going to finally be a mother.

Unfortunately, life around that time was extremely stressful and drama-filled. My husband had to step away from his position as Chief Executive Director at CAIR, where he’d worked for nine years, after his ex-wife launched a spiteful and calculated smear campaign against him. I watched the strongest and most amazing man I ever met crumble under humiliation and betrayal. Overnight, he went from being deeply respected to feeling disposable and depressed. We packed our entire lives into suitcases, cat in tow, and moved to New York City, where he was offered a well-paid position in real estate. The job provided stability, but he hated it. He wasn’t doing what he loved anymore. He wasn’t fighting discrimination, supporting Muslims against unfairness, or standing up to the FBI, work that gave him purpose and lit a fire in his soul. I supported him the best I could and constantly reminded him that this chapter wouldn’t last forever and it didn’t. In the midst of all the chaos, all we had was each other.

And to add on to that, physically, my pregnancy was hard. I developed Hyperemesis Gravidarum and couldnt keep food down for months. I stayed underweight for most of my pregnancy. So many women go through this silently and I believe it’s linked to thyroid dysregulation. When hCG spikes stimulates the thyroid and the thyroid can’t keep up, nausea becomes extreme. My husband even gave me COVID after he came back from his oversees trip and it just felt like one thing after another. Around my 32nd week of pregnancy, I was officially diagnosed with Hypothyroidism. The moment they told me, panic washed over me. I had never struggled with thyroid issues before, and suddenly I was being rushed into follow-up labs and conversations about risks I had never even heard of. One doctor told me it might be too late to start me on thyroid medication because the medication takes time to work, weeks, not days, and by that point, I was already well into my third trimester.

Hearing “too late” when you’re carrying a child inside you is a level of fear I can’t even describe. I remember going home that night terrified. I spiraled into researching everything I could, and all I could see were the worst-case scenarios: prolonged labor, weak contractions, and especially postpartum hemorrhaging. I became convinced that I might not make it through delivery. I begged Allah to protect me as I was terrified of bleeding out on the delivery table. I took my health into my own hands and started supporting myself in the only way I could. I began moving my body more and drinking ginger consistently, every single day. Ginger supported my circulation and metabolism, the exact thing my body needed. Fast-forward to week 39, they tested my thyroid again. My levels were not low anymore. I was ecstatic. I carried so much panic and worry in my body, convinced that my fragile and compromised state was harming my baby. But when she finally arrived, it was the best day of my life. She was healthy and more perfect than I ever imagined. The crazy thing is no one really prepares you for what’s to come…

Beyond the Baby Blues: Understanding Postpartum Depression

Postpartum depression is more than just the baby blues. While it’s normal to feel down and overwhelmed in the first couple of weeks after birth, postpartum depression tends to linger waaay beyond that and often feels much heavier. It can begin anytime in the first year after delivery and start to affect how you function day to day and how connected you feel to yourself and your baby.

It’s a whole-person experience! All of the shifts in hormones after birth, nutrient depletion from pregnancy and breastfeeding, lack of restorative sleep, and changes in body image all play a role. Add to this the emotional weight of identity changes, relationship pressures, or past trauma, and the load can feel soooo unbearable. That’s why postpartum depression isn’t just a mental struggle, it’s also physical, emotional, and situational all at once. Whew.

The symptoms can show up in many ways. You may notice persistent sadness, irritability, guilt, or numbness depending on your terrain or difficulty bonding with your baby (alhamdulillah that didn’t happen with me) so It doesn’t happen with every new mother who suffer from PPD, but it can still happen. It’s very scary. That’s why having a support system during all of this is so crucial. Women can also lose interest in things they once enjoyed or feel overwhelming fatigue that a nap just can’t fix.

Some mothers even experience intrusive thoughts that feel unsettling, but don’t reflect their true intentions. My heartfelt dua is that you, dear reader, never have to go through this, ameen. Recognizing these signs is the first step to getting support, because with the right care, you can heal and feel like yourself again.

The Link Between Sleep and Mood

When I first got pregnant, so many moms told me, “Enjoy your sleep now, you’ll never sleep the same again!” And boy, were they right. I had always been an early-to-bed, early-to-rise kind of person, but newborn life quickly turned that upside down. Sleep deprivation is one of the most powerful drivers of postpartum depression. Going weeks without a full night’s rest doesn’t just exhaust you, it alters brain chemistry. Serotonin and dopamine drop, cortisol stays high, and suddenly you’re irritable, anxious, heavy, and struggling to regulate emotions. At my lowest, even dreams blurred into reality.Lack of sleep also intensifies intrusive thoughts and makes it harder to regulate emotions. And when you’re running on empty long enough, at night you might even start seeing things that aren’t really there. It’s unsettling and pretty freaky.

The first few months were especially brutal because I couldn’t produce enough breast milk. I had to put my daughter on formula until my supply built up, and she suffered terribly with colicky pain and constipation. It was absolute hell watching her struggle, and it meant even less sleep for me. My milk finally came in and I was so relieved to be able to toss the formula. But by then I was already running on empty. Small challenges, like making breakfast or folding laundry, felt extremely overwhelming when I was sleep-deprived. I honestly felt bad whenever my step-kids would come over, because more often than not they ended up heating up their favorite freezer meals or we’d order out. But since they only came on the weekends at that time, they were just happy to spend time with us and their new baby sister. They didn’t care so much about “healthy meals” I mean they were kids, after all.

And then there was the famous advice every new mom hears: “Just sleep when the baby sleeps.” Honestly, that never worked for me. When my baby finally went down, that was my only window to catch up on my prayers, dishes, do some laundry, or just sit in silence and breathe. My mind was too wired to nap on command, and truthfully, I’ve never been much of a napper even before pregnancy.

Postpartum Body Image Struggles

For me, one of the hardest parts of postpartum wasn’t just the lack of sleep which was number one for me, it was looking in the mirror and not recognizing myself. I had always been active, fit and naturally small, so seeing my body change so drastically was a shock. I didn’t feel like “me” anymore, and that loss of identity fed into the depression I was already feeling. I didn’t feel like “me” anymore, and that loss of identity fed into the depression I was already feeling. On top of that, I heard comments about my body… things like reminders of how I used to look or suggestions that I’d “bounce back” eventually. Even though they might have been said casually, those words landed heavily. When you’re already raw and vulnerable, they echo the insecurities you’re battling inside.

Postpartum bodies are powerful, they’ve created, carried, and nourished new life. But in a world that celebrates “snapping back,” it’s easy to feel like you’re failing if you don’t return to your old self quickly. That constant comparison can make postpartum depression even heavier. It wasn’t until my daughter turned one that I finally gathered the motivation to shed the weight. Once I set my mind to it, I was so determined that the weight came off quickly. I’ve always been the kind of person who, when I truly want something, I push hard to make it happen. Part of it was for me, to feel like myself again, but I’ll be honest, part of it was also because I wanted to look sexy for my husband, just being honest here.

Even though I shed the weight quickly, I wouldn’t recommend that path for everyone, it can be intense and not always sustainable especially if you don’t have a high-drive or naturally disciplined personality. Instead of focusing on the number on the scale, remind yourself of what your body had just done, like you just grown and fed a human being. That’s truly remarkable! Celebrate small wins, like taking a short walk or making a nourishing meal. Over time, those small acts of self-compassion will help you reconnect with your body in a healthier way.

Healing the Body After Birth: Nourishment, Movement, Rest and Terrain Awareness

Physically, I learned that nourishing foods make such a difference. Simple, grounding meals like bone broth, oatmeal with ghee, lentil soups, and warm stews became my comfort. Foods rich in iron and minerals helped rebuild blood and energy after delivery, while healthy fats like avocado, olive oil, and salmon supported hormone balance and milk production. I noticed that warm, easy-to-digest meals were far more soothing than cold or raw foods, they calmed my digestion, lifted my mood, and helped my body feel “put back together” again.

After birth, everyone’s terrain shifts in its own way, there’s no single “postpartum terrain.” Some women become cold and dry like me (especially if depleted from pregnancy or blood loss), while others lean toward dampness, tension, or even heat and overstimulation. That’s why there isn’t one ideal postpartum diet. The foods that heal you depend on the state of your terrain, whether your body needs warmth and oiliness to rebuild, lightness to reduce heaviness, or stabilization to calm overstimulation. Once I began eating in a way that matched my terrain, I could literally feel my body rebuilding itself from the inside out.

Restorative yoga videos, stretching, and stroller walks helped me feel alive again and reminded my body how to circulate and heal. Unfortunately, rest is essential, yet nearly impossible for mothers to actually get. Eventually, I found my own way through co-sleeping and allowing my daughter to nurse through the night. It was the only method that gave me longer stretches of sleep, and over time it actually deepened the bond between us. Sleeping apart from her never felt natural to me, but I also knew it had to be done as safely as possible to prevent any risk of suffocation.

Healing the Body After Birth: Natural Remedies and The Role of Support and Safety

I didn’t take natural medicine while pregnant or breastfeeding except for ginger and raspberry leaf tea, though I’ve since learned there are more supportive options for PPD that some women safely use. These might include gentle nervines and adaptogens (depending on your current terrain) that can help calm the nervous system, support adrenal recovery, and balance mood when used appropriately. I wish I had known this before. Finding the right herb should always come from a full whole-person assessment. At the time, I didn’t want to take anything randomly and risk my health or my baby’s. I was just beginning my studies and wanted to be extra cautious more than anything. True holistic medicine isn’t about taking a bunch of supplements and herbs, it’s about understanding the whole person to find the most aligned support. For me, leaning on my faith and simple acts of self-care became my medicine and it was enough at the time.

I also have to acknowledge that my experience with PPD was easier than most. I was blessed to have a husband who provided for us and gave me the space to stay home, rest, and recover at my own pace. That time together also deepened my bond with my baby. Many mothers don’t have that luxury, they’re expected to heal while working, managing households, or caring for other children with little help. Postpartum recovery isn’t just about mindset or willpower; it’s deeply shaped by the support and safety around you.

Grounding Myself Beyond the Physical

Postpartum recovery requires support on every level, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually too. Emotionally, I wish I had family close by for support. Having relatives around might have opened up space to release what I was holding in instead of carrying it alone. Having community is so important because women were never meant to raise babies in isolation. Traditionally, there was always the village: family, neighbors, other mothers. Doing it completely alone just isn’t natural. I started frequenting the masjid more often and made friends with other moms; we’d plan playdates and talk about everything we were going through. Those connections truly helped me heal. Isolation might seem comforting at first, but in the long run, it’s rarely healthy for the heart or mind.

Therapy and counseling can be powerful tools, but at the time, I dismissed them, thinking they wouldn’t help. Journaling didn’t stick either! I’d start and abandon it after a few days. What I did fall back in love with, though, was writing stories. I took a break from my holistic health studies during pregnancy so I wouldn’t overwhelm myself and instead revisited the novels and scripts I had left unfinished. Writing has always been therapeutic for me as this was a a way to process emotions and trauma while doing something I truly enjoy. Do something for you, find time to do something you enjoy or a hobby you love, this will really help with your mental health.

Spiritually, grounding myself became essential. For me, that meant strengthening my faith, making dua, reading Qur’an, and finding quiet moments of reflection in prayer. Those simple practices reminded me that I wasn’t alone in what I was going through and gave me strength when I felt weak. Even small rituals, like snuggling in the hammock with a good movie, sitting in the backyard to soak in the gorgeous sunsets, or making a warm cup of tea, became ways of reclaiming my body and reminding myself that I was still a whole person, not just a mother.

Wrapping Up

The truth is, postpartum isn’t a one-size-fits-all journey. Sometimes rest doesn’t look like sleep, it looks like a hot shower, a walk outside, or even just breathing for five minutes without interruption. If you’re in that season, know that you’re not broken Healing doesn’t come from following every piece of advice perfectly, it comes from finding what works for you, in your body, in your life.

Healing is not linear, some days will be harder than others. What matters most is remembering that both your body and mind need replenishment, not pressure. Postpartum depression is one of those topics many mothers quietly live with but rarely speak about. After giving birth, the world expects joy, but sometimes what comes instead is exhaustion, guilt, sadness, or even numbness. My hope in sharing both my story and my perspective as a holistic health practitioner is to remind you that you’re not alone, and that your experience is valid.